The headlines this week have been stomach-churning. Women beaten in Syria having been forced into sham marriages with much older men. Disgusting images on Facebook like the one showing a lady pushed down some stairs bearing the caption, "next time, don't get pregnant". In the 21st century, violence against women is still far from rare.
So, today on The Good Book Blog we talk with one UK Christian who knows just what it's like to be at the sharp end of a man's fist.
How would you describe your marriage?
On the surface we looked like a normal couple. We went to work, went to church, went shopping, went out for meals with friends. To all intents and purposes we were Mr and Mrs Average. - Suburbanites through and through. But behind closed doors things were very different. He was very controlling. He liked to know where I was and what I was doing every moment of the day. There was no privacy at all. And everything had to be done his way. He had to approve my clothes, the meals had to be ready at a set time, my social engagements needed to fit with his view of how I should be spending my time. If I failed to comply, there was trouble.
When did the violence begin?
Soon after we were married. When we were going out, he was so kind. I mean. in retrospect, the controlling aspects of his character were there but he was tender and gentle so I didn't pay that much attention. But after we got married, tensions began to emerge quickly. He started to assume that I was going to betray him or leave him or say something cruel about him and wanted to check my every move. If I complied, he assumed I was lying. If I resisted, he said it was because I had something to hide. At first his frustration came out in verbal abuse, later he started to shake me, after a year he progressed on to hitting me. Never with his fists - he was too calculated to risk leaving any evidence on his body - but with things that I had bought, things that in some way pointed to my individuality and independence.
What was the effect of the violence?
The list is endless. But weirdly the bruises were the least of my worries. They healed after a while. The real damage was the climate of fear that dominated our home. I could never relax, my whole life revolved around avoiding making him angry. I would swing from manic cleaning and organising to make sure everything was to his liking - to inertia as I sat, paralysed with terror, in an armchair not wanting to do anything because I was so convinced it would be wrong. I felt useless as a human being, responsible for creating my own world of pain.
Were you both Christians at the time?
Yes - I think so. We both believed, we were both involved in a local congregation. He was a home group leader. I was involved in the women's work. If someone asked either of us to explain the gospel, we could do so with ease. If anyone asked us about the Christian life, we would talk about our quiet times and our involvement in ministry. Our doctrine was orthodox and we went through the motions of church life but neither of us were walking the walk. He was a godly man in public and a monster in private. I talked to other women about their relationship problems and talked confidently about how Jesus could transform their situation but refused to face up to my own struggles.
Did you tell anyone at church?
Eventually, yes. But it took a long time. I knew my story was real but two things kept getting in the way. 1. I felt guilty. I felt like a hypocrite for having a failing marriage and not acting on the kinds of pastoral advice I was giving to others. 2. I didn't think anyone would believe me. My husband was popular, he was respected. I could barely believe the violence was happening so I didn't think I could expect others to believe it.
What happened next?
A lovely family in the church said I could stay in their spare room for a while. The plan wasn't to divorce my husband at that stage (though I certainly wouldn't judge women who went down that route), the plan was just to get to a place of safety from where we could start to work things through. After that I started to pour out my story. I told my church leaders, I told my friends, I journaled like mad - I needed to tell myself that it was all real. When I felt ready, I had some counselling - and a few weeks later we started some marriage counselling. Initially he made threats but friends were able to help him see his need of therapy - his need of Jesus' words of life. We needed to work through his issues of control, my issues with compliance, his anger, my silence. We're still doing that now. We reflected a lot on the aspects of our faith that we had been ignoring for so long - the call to live for Jesus in every aspect of our lives not just acknowledge him with our lips and that has meant repentance and the pursuit of heart change for both of us.
Both of you?
Yes - both of us. On one level he is the abuser and I am the victim. He has wronged me much more than I have wronged him. That fact is indisputable and needs to be shouted loud and clear. But we both needed to change and live differently. If I don't take seriously my responsibility to see myself as God sees me and look after myself as God wants me to look after myself, then I am continuing to act like a victim rather than a precious child of God.
What's the long term plan?
My hope is that I can go back and live with my husband one day. I love him. He loves me. And we made promises for better or for worse. But I'm not going to go back unless it's safe and there is plenty of accountability in place. There's no way things can go back to the way they were before. And my church support me wholeheartedly in that.
What would you say to any women (or indeed, men) who are being abused right now?
Don't sit in silence. Seek help. I know the thought is terrifying, I know you may not feel worthy, I know you doubt anyone will believe your story and I know you're worried that you'll get found out and the abuse will worsen. But the reality is that seeking help from a wise person is the right thing to do. Living in fear and pain is not God's will for your life. And he is the one who is truly in control not your abuser. Go to the police, go to a refuge, go to your pastor, go to a friend. Just take that small step. You need it. And the person hurting you needs it. They can't get help to change while the problem is submerged. Jesus came to bring life in all its fullness. It wont be perfect this side of heaven but it can be much, much better than it is now. Really, it can.
